Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Ten Months!

It’s generally very difficult for me to let go of people, even when they are unkind to me, but in this case refusing to do so would have destroyed me because it involved someone who nearly did that very thing.
I spent a long time thinking that I had to pay a penance of misery for every scrap of love and affection I received, and that feelings of inadequacy ninety percent of the time were just the price necessitated by the other ten percent of time being occupied by grand gestures. My idea of love was not just unrealistic…it was unhealthy. I existed in a world where I was constantly given the mantra- “You are lucky to be with me. You must earn me. You must give me a reason not to spend my time with someone better.” But when this is the attitude you are made to contend with, you’re already losing. There is no way I could ever have been good enough.
Leaving felt like failing. It took a long time for me to recognize it as the true liberation that it was. And when I was suddenly offered everything my idea of love wasn’t, I didn’t know how to accept it. I had to learn how to be loved, and it freed me to love just for the joy of loving, without fear.
I’m finally beginning to learn that people who really love you WILL LOVE YOU. Actively. They will never ask you to simply believe it, because they will demonstrate it so that you will never have to question it. And you will not feel the need to slave to earn some affection in return….you will exist in a constant state of reciprocation, each loving the other continually.
Do any of us deserve this? No. But Jesus gave it to us first, that we might in turn learn to give it to each other. There is no good reason for holding back the most beautiful thing we can offer!
I love unapologetically. I have earned my overly romantic photographs, my decidedly saccharine posts, and my long-winded blissful recollections. And I have had love withheld from me too often to keep it from others. I am quick to compliment, quick to hug, quick to text and tweet and Facebook post with smiley faces and hearts.
We are all equally undeserving of the love Christ gives us, and equally desperate for the love we can give each other.
It really is all you need.

(Happy Monthiversary, Adam <3)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

We just can't start over.

When I have unexpected free time in the mornings, and sometimes just whenever, I find myself driving around looking for a little empty space in this town….and by empty space, I mean skyline. Horizon. Even just a tiny window of world without buildings or mountains obstructing the view, where I can watch the sky change colors without feeling like a child sitting behind a tall man at the theatre. And when I find it, it’s like releasing a breath I didn’t quite realize I was holding.
This morning I chased last night’s leftover lightning all the way down a road I’ve never followed, and it emptied into a little field that looked blissfully out of place. I watched the sunrise ad could see my breath as I sipped coffee and listened to the birds wake up. There was tall grass and the cool outside smell that you almost never find out here. Out here.
It’s times like this when I realize that I’m just trying to find my way back.
And by back, I mean away from here.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Got in my first car accident last week- sideswiped on the freeway while taking my little brother and sister to work. It was absolutely terrifying even though for all intents and purposes I got off easy. Nobody was hurt, damage was minimal, and the other driver pulled over and accepted full responsibility. My hands still shook for half an hour after I finally got my little siblings to school.
It’s weird talking about grown-up things with my big sister. She’s getting married next May, and the business of combining two lives is about as grown-up as it gets. I didn’t ever really want to grow up more than being old enough to shave my legs, but I didn’t have much of a say in that one. I’m going to be twenty soon and the prospect of abandoning my teenage years before I actually feel old enough to be in them is just daunting to me…especially considering that my life is in nowhere near the shape it should be for my age. Who set those guidelines, anyway?
One of my little cousins- a three year old with six year old twin siblings and a one year old baby brother- got sick, a preliminary diagnosis of leukemia, a rush hospitalization, and a final diagnosis of a simple infection all in less than a single week. It was a crazy emotional rollercoaster for me, and I can’t even fathom how much worse it had to have been for her parents. This past week has just been full of deep realizations regarding the fragility and ever-changing nature of life, hasn’t it?
We all grow up too fast. I remember when my biggest budgeting concern was whether or not I could afford to pay for a movie myself or if I was going to have to ask my parents. Now I spend almost my entire monthly paycheck on school, medical expenses and gas, with a little left over to save in hopes of moving out someday. Someday, I’m going to have children. I never want them to have to stop going to college because they can’t pay for it. But then, how many people had that same dream once?
How many dreams do we share- we, as a collective people, as a species of loving souls who identify ourselves by those very dreams?
I’m willing to bet it’s a lot.
I’m sorry there’s no real rhyme or reason to this post. It’s too early in the morning for me to be making much sense.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always…

My sweet baby brother turned sixteen today.
Clearly, he is not a baby. As a matter of fact, he’s 6’4”, with the terrifyingly man-like body of a water polo captain. But to me, he’s still baby brother.
The morning started off with our dad making a valiant effort at burning the house down. He left a burner on and went to church early, leaving us to discover the towel that had been quietly smoldering since his departure. It burst into flames in the middle of breakfast, inspiring us to break into rousing choruses of “Cumpleanos Fuego,” “Birthday Smoke,” and “Burn on Your Birthday” at random times throughout the day. It certainly added to the festivities.
I kidnapped Jason for most of the day. After church, we escaped the clutch of parental units and fled to my sweet sweet boyfriend’s house. As Jason so aptly observed, “It’s nice that they treat you like they actually want you around. I can see why you like going there so much.” From the mouths of babes…
After that, we cruised with some rockin’ tunes, and I took him shopping for some desperately needed new clothes, then out to dinner. My sweet little boy is growing into an exceptional young man, and I’m proud to be related to him. I love you Jay-Boooo!
On Friday I’m taking Kelsea for senior pictures. They’re a gift to her from me, and of course we’re having Scot Woodman take them :)
Prince Charming came home from choir retreat today. His hair is short again, which always reminds me of the tufty hairstyle worn by the little bird in “Are You My Mother?” I used to call it baby bird hair. Now I just smile and say “tweet tweet” whenever his locks look particularly avian. They could build monuments to his patience with me…..
Back to the grind tomorrow. School at 6:30am, work at the Foundation, teaching iWorship at 4:30, then rehearsal from 7 til 10. Somewhere in there I have to get my oil changed and do my laundry. Being a grownup isn’t half as much fun as it sounds.
Except for when you get to go to Disneyland without a chaperone for the first time. It’s the ultimate in blissful freedom.
I spent approximately 80% of today in the company of one or both of my absolute favorite boys- though soon I shall have to apply the word “men” to both- on this planet. My heart has been warm all day and will accompany me softly into dreams. I never fail to fully appreciate those rare, rare times. Happy birthday to my baby brother, and welcome home to my love.
As long as I’m living…..

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Blossom on the tree.

I’m not really sure if you know how I feel, but I think I know how YOU feel.

I miss blogging a lot. In high school when I was way cooler than I gave myself credit for, I was an absolutely avid Xanga user. If you don’t remember Xanga, I’m sorry….it was awesome. I revisited mine for the first time since 2007 and uncovered the H-bomb of nostalgia. I did a lot of my best writing back then. Hopefully I haven’t lost my touch.
Joe asked, “Do you think you’re actually going to stick to blogging again?”
I have no idea. To quote the original emo kid:
“It’s such a stupid question, in my opinion. I mean how do you know what you’re going to do til you do it? The answer is, you don’t. I think I am, but how do I know? I swear it’s a stupid question.”
So many points for anyone to identify that.
Today I did homework and laundry. I’ve developed a newfound appreciation for the mundane. Work starts at 5:30 til 8 if I’m lucky and 10 if I’m not.
Maybe I’ll post again when I get home…

Also, blossom analogies really make me want to watch Mulan.
Don’t judge.