Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The pain just keeps singing me songs.

My playlist lately:
Ray LaMontagne
Owl City
The Postal Service
A Fine Frenzy
Iron & Wine.

I keep leaning towards the still; the mellow and slightly sad.
My heart is currently built of tentative acoustic chords; melancholy piano and gentle synth vibrations...I find myself straining to find connections between myself and the lyrics I hear, as if I need to know I'm not alone.
I need music to soothe and  encourage, to comfort me even as it makes me ache.
I need to know this too shall pass.

It's irritating how wounded I feel by such a tiny slight.
In the grand scheme of my life; my romantic history, I've endured far greater hurts than this. This is a stubbed toe to an amputee, a cold to a cancer victim. This is merely a slap to my ego that reverberates down to my heart.
And yet......

I feel winded, I feel wounded, I feel wronged. I feel the sore feeling in the back of the throat of wanting to cry. I feel the inexplicably feminine need to eat chocolate and write endless angry words in my journal.

Had my heart been whole to begin with, it would have survived this unscathed. But its old cracks and weak parts have not fully healed, and so the stinging vibrations sent from ego to heartstrings plucked out a decidedly dissonant melody and shook loose some stitches.

It's not a fun way to feel.

In other news, on Friday I got to be a part of my first photoshoot with Scot Woodman Photography. It was completely and utterly amazing.....Scot is an absolute gem; patient and creative and quietly wonderful. Here's a little preview of some of his epic work:

You can see the rest of his photography at http://www.flickr.com/photos/scotwoodmanphotography. There's also a link to his page on the right of my blog. Do yourself a favor and explore a little; he's fantastic. Hopefully we'll be doing another shoot in the next couple weeks. Smile.

My heart is not broken, but it's certainly bruised. A little roughed up and offended.
I'll get over it.

All of a sudden I realize that it only hurts worse to fight it,
So I embrace my shadow,
And hold on to the morning light.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It's been a long, long time coming.

It's unbelievable how much can change in the space of a blogging hiatus.

Since my last post, I've become a legal adult, switched my major to Music, finished my Freshman year of college, become an actual paid performer in an actual professional show, been physically abused, been emotionally abused, overcome aforementioned abuse, moved three times within Missouri, moved out of Missouri, returned to California, moved back into my parent's home, realized I wasn't really over aforementioned abuse, started going to school in California, started working for a church and for a hospital, started looking for a job that actually pays, lost old loves, found new loves, been depressed, been ecstatic, been overwhelmed.

With all that, I hope you won't ask how I haven't had time to write.

But thanks to some particularly exquisite people and an unequivocally gracious God, the maelstrom of my life seems to be quieting back into some rolling waves, which means that I'm optimistic about being able to move forward instead of just in circles.

I've finally started writing again, and everything feels like a song.
(Even that.)

I haven't been inspired in so long, and now I'm beginning to feel things again. Things like butterflies around a boy with perfect hair and a crinkly candy smile, things like drive to be productive, things like the subtle vibration in my fingers telling me to write, to paint; create.

And it feels good.

Even though my confusions are still present, my conflicts and worries and fears, they are greatly subdued beneath the warm veneer of renewal I've been experiencing. Is it because I'm becoming more emotionally, physically, spiritually well? Because I'm where I'm supposed to be at this moment in my life? On the extensive list of things I don't know, that question is certainly near the top. Which I am discovering I don't mind.

I'm just glad it's happening.

But I know, I know, I know,
A change is gonna come.

Oh, yes it is.